The first thing to say is: Bruno Fernandes did not get booked.
That fact is arguably more incredible than the 7-0 score in Manchester United’s humiliation by Liverpool on Sunday. Gary Neville said in his Sky Sports commentary that Fernandes was “embarrassing”; Roy Keane described his body language as “disgraceful” in the same broadcast; and though United manager Erik ten Hag didn’t name his captain when he described his players as “unprofessional” during the game… well, if the shoe fits.
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Nobody enjoys a 7-0 (Seven. Nil.) defeat, but Fernandes reacted to yesterday’s events in the way that an especially immature six-year-old child might deal with huge disappointment, complaining to anyone vaguely in earshot, pretending to be hit in the face, shoving an official, attempting to take out his petty frustrations on an opponent’s knee and eventually appearing to just give up.
Here is a summary of how the captain of Manchester United dealt with their record defeat to Liverpool.
It is a breakdown of a meltdown.
First foul: No minutes, 10 seconds
Fernandes started the game reasonably well, almost forcing Trent Alexander-Arnold into an error — a hospital pass to Fabinho. That said, Fernandes did commit a foul in the 10th second of the game, taking down Mohamed Salah in a fairly harmless position before Sky’s UK TV coverage even had the chance to put the score/clock graphic up in the top corner. It was a portent of what was to come.
First complaint: Five minutes, 14 seconds
One of the themes of the game was the amount of whining from Fernandes. At his team-mates, the United bench personnel, the match officials or whoever was nearby. This first example came when he competed for a ball with Harvey Elliott along the United left touchline. It looked routine: Elliott knocked the ball against Fernandes, it went out of play, Liverpool got the throw. But Fernandes protested like a man to whom great harm had been done — as if he’d just returned to his car to find it clamped and no amount of “but I was only in Tesco for 10 minutes!” was working.
Bawling out a team-mate: Nine minutes, eight seconds
The first notable complaint about a colleague’s performance came against Antony. The Brazilian’s perceived crime was shooting from a reasonably promising position in the inside right channel, rather than attempting to thread a pass through a preposterously tight alley made of Liverpool defenders.
Cue the first of many arm-flaps, the Fernandes limbs flailed like the wings of a particularly petulant owl. We would see it again, many more times.
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Minor tantrum: 53 minutes, six seconds
Goals are obviously the best moments for fans to enjoy. But very close behind is laughing at your biggest rivals’ least likeable player. So you can imagine how much Liverpool supporters smiled at Fernandes going up for a header with Alexander-Arnold, the ball quite clearly skimming off the head of the United skipper, who then collected the ball as if a corner had already been awarded, only to realise it was given as a goal kick. He tried to turn his dismay into the Jurgen Klopp patented ‘Laugh at the negative thing that’s just happened to my team in order to deal with it in a wry and self-deprecating way’, but he was fooling nobody. Especially after what came next…
Bigger tantrum: 53 minutes, 46 seconds
It’s interesting that players, in the VAR era, still complain at length when they must surely know that a decision is not going to go their way. This is a great example: Fernandes leapt over Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson, fell to the floor and screamed and screamed because a penalty was not awarded. There was no evidence of contact between him and Alisson, but that didn’t stop him bawling out the linesman for the next minute or so, concentrating on his own perceived injustice rather than, say, chasing back to help his colleague defend as Liverpool attacked. But that was just the warm-up…
Penalty claim: 69 minutes, five seconds
Anyone who’s spent time with a toddler will tell you they don’t like it when they don’t get their way. Often in that situation, they lash out. So when the officials decided the ball touching Ibrahima Konate’s arm inside the penalty area was accidental and that the Liverpool defender’s arm was in a natural position, Fernandes reacted by leathering the Frenchman in the ankle.
And then, having been outrageously penalised for said leathering, he bellowed at the man who wronged him — referee Andy Madley — as if the robber who had just swiped his phone from his hand was let off scot-free. Cue more mirth from the stands. But wait…
Flop to the floor: 69 minutes, 52 seconds
In truth, this was a fairly routine bit of play-acting, the sort of thing which is deeply tiresome but that you see a few times in every game. If you got annoyed every time you saw it happen, your blood pressure would be a billion over a billion. But in the context of everything else, on top of the arm flapping and the complaining and the diving, this was an especially fetid cherry atop a decomposing cake.
As you can see, Konate’s hand lands on Fernandes’ chest, with maybe a flick of little finger against chin…
… but after that, let’s just enjoy the trajectory of his fall…
… which is somehow rather elegant in its patheticness, Fernandes dropping to the turf almost gracefully, felled by this mighty blow to the kisser. Or so he claimed.
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“That’s embarrassing from Bruno Fernandes,” said Neville. “It’s on his chest and he goes down. He’s so frustrating at times.”
The only real bit of creativity: 72 minutes, 39 seconds
This was the other thing about Fernandes’ performance. Not only was his behaviour embarrassing, but his actual footballing performance wasn’t much better. He had two shots, neither on target, and barely created anything — the only real spark was this through ball to Marcus Rashford, but by then it was 4-0.
Push the assistant: 80 minutes, 43 seconds
We mentioned at the start that Fernandes somehow emerged from this game without a booking, and this was his most inexplicable escape, even if he was reacting to having the ball thrown at a sensitive area of his anatomy by Alexander-Arnold. It wasn’t quite Paolo Di Canio on Paul Alcock, but theoretically one of the most immutable rules in football, the no-no of all no-nos, is that you don’t place your hands on the officials.
Maybe this assistant referee just felt sorry for him. Maybe he was so surprised at being shoved that he didn’t react until it was too late. Maybe he didn’t think it was enough of a shove to merit further punishment. Who knows. But we were all denied the objectively hilarious sight of Fernandes trudging off the pitch for an early bath, having been given a red card. Imagine how he might have reacted to that.
Attempted hoof on Stefan Bajcetic, missing, giving up: 81 minutes, 42 seconds
Here’s where it gets really childish. If the rest of it wasn’t already. Liverpool’s teenage tyro Stefan Bajcetic travelled with the ball down the right flank, with Fernandes in lukewarm pursuit. The United man couldn’t get the ball off him, so instead kicked Bajcetic, taking his frustration out on a passing 18-year-old. Except he missed. Or didn’t make enough contact to take Bajcetic down, leaving the Liverpool man to scamper off down the line. It was around this point that Fernandes appeared to down tools, reacting to his failure to make significant contact by simply walking towards the middle of the pitch, in literally the opposite direction to a developing Liverpool attack. The score was 5-0 at this point. Obviously the game could not be saved, but a little dignity still could. Fernandes chose not to try.
Stefan Bajcetic making Bruno Fernandes give up yesterday 🤣pic.twitter.com/KxgrJpMtYb
— LFC Transfer Room (@LFCTransferRoom) March 6, 2023
Wander around doing nothing: Various times
Slightly later on, Fernandes did seem to realise that all of this was not a good look for a Manchester United captain, so he ran around a bit more. But there were about three or four minutes, either side of Liverpool’s sixth goal, where he just seemed to petulantly give up, shuffling around the middle of the park and seemingly showing no inclination to do anything useful, other than stomp about in a big sulk.
“The second half has been an absolute disgrace, a shambles, epitomised by Bruno Fernandes,” said Neville.
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Post-match interview
Here was a surprise. After the previous 90 minutes, you half-expected Fernandes to sit facing the wall in the dressing room, refusing to move and sucking his thumb, snapping “NO!” at every suggestion Ten Hag’s assistant Steve McClaren made to placate him. “Soothing massage, Bruno?” “NO.” “Nice recuperative isotonic drink, Bruno?” “NO.” “Some warm milk in your favourite sippy-cup, Bruno?” “NO.”
But no, there he was, looking grumpy but there nonetheless, doing the post-match interview with Sky Sports, answering questions about the shambles we had all just witnessed.
Inside one of the most stunning games of the season…
“Obviously, it’s really frustrating,” he said. “We came here with a different mindset. The first half was really good, but obviously the second half was not at our level. We know how much better we can be.”
It was a classic, if unexpected, piece of ‘fronting up’, but you could argue it was the final insult to United fans everywhere. The last person you wanted to see, carefully explaining that they didn’t play well. No kidding.
Let’s leave the final word to Neville, who dedicated large parts of his commentary in the game’s latter stages to chastising Fernandes:
“You give the ball away at Anfield, you try to get it back. You don’t flap your arms around. I’ve had enough of him whinging. He whinges at everybody. He’s got to put a captain’s performance in there, and that wasn’t a captain’s performance.”
(Top photo: Robbie Jay Barratt/AMA via Getty Images)
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